Drunken Polish Nun Crashes Her Tractor
(text courtesy of yahoo)
A Benedictine nun could lose her driving licence after hitting a car parked outside her convent at Krzeszow in southeast Poland while drunk at the wheel of a tractor, a local police spokesman, Dariusz Waluch said.Waluch said the 45-year nun "was in no fit state to blow into a breathalyser" after the accident and police were waiting for the results of a blood-alcohol test before charging her. I'd make a joke but everyone knows you NEVER mess with nuns.
Next up we've got a heartwarming story about a misunderstood paramedic in Ft Dodge, Iowa. Apparently, while transporting a dead woman to the morgue, the paramedic placed his fingers in the dead woman's mouth. Searching for gold fillings maybe? Once he realized the security guard observing him was horrified, our hero decided to push it a little further by ramming his fingers up the dead woman's nostrils. Eventually, it was escalated to the point where "He grabbed the dead person's breast and said 'honk, honk." Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in the way this story was written. Everyone knows that when you grab a breast and say "honk, honk," you use an exclamation point. What was the author thinking?? The paramedic, Scott Kirhart, admitted to putting his fingers in the dead person's mouth but denied the other accusations. HONK! HONK!
In the Irony department, a swimming pool factory CAUGHT FIRE AND BURNED this morning. Swimming pool? Fire? Never thought I'd hear that combination of words in my lifetime. It figures this happened in Australia, the population there is practically feral.
In the 'Ha Ha I'm So Glad It Was You And Not Me' dept, (English majors, any shorter word I can use there?) Paris Hilton slipped and fell into a pond at the Lord of the Rings pre-Oscar party that she wasn't even invited to in the first place. The (alleged) coke-slut hotel heiress told her sister over the phone, "Nicky, guess what? I just fell into a little pond! It's soooo embarrassing."
Now I could get in a cheap shot about Paris all wet and dripping at an Oscar party but I won't. Instead, i'll just quote Peter Jackson on the subject: "If you were to think of it in the terms of Freudian psychiatry," he ventured, "you would look at the size and the shape of Paris' puddle and try and decipher their larger meaning. You would show the puddle to people and ask them to tell you what it means - just like an ink-blot test." Uhhh..what *does* that mean Peter?
Here is yet ANOTHER reminder of why I'm not eating at McDonald's.
(text courtesy of capecodonline)
Heather O'Neill, 26, said she picked up a Big Mac and fries at the drive-thru window of a McDonald's just off the Sagamore rotary. On the way back to her home in Sagamore Beach she ate some of the fries. But once she got home, while watching TV, she discovered she had more than just fries.
"I picked up a clump of fries, and something falls on my lap," she said. "It was a dirty, bloody, folded Band-Aid," O'Neill said yesterday. "I said, 'Oh my God, Oh my God'... I ate almost every single fry before I found it. It's so disgusting."
All I have left to say is EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Finally, the Venezuelan President has come out and said what's on everybody's mind: President George W. Bush is an asshole.
Thank you, Hugo Chavez, you've won my vote. Goodnight Everybody!
