First off, thanks for the fruit basket! Everything arrived intact, even the pomegranates.
Wow, what a nutty year this was, eh partner? My good friend Krist Novoselic would have called it "Kerou-wacky!" Who would've thought one nipple from the bosom of a sexpot in slim decline at the Super Bowl would spur all this brouhaha? One nipple, that's all it took! I'm amazed at how much furor that stirred in the national consciousness! It's my understanding that Ethel Rosenberg had to use full frontal nudity to get attention - that's including the "jiggy bits."
By the way - not to re-open a wound here - but I was sad to see your dad resign from his Cabinet post. I'm sure the knowledge that he seemed to be the one rational creature in the Bush Administration isn't of much comfort to you, so I won't mention it... oopsy, well, looks like I just did! Egg on my mug, eh? Seriously, though, I was gonna say anybody still in possession of their sanity would have resigned from the Cabinet as well - but then Rumsfeld and Ridge resigned too, blowing that whole sanity theory to bits. But at least your dad was right there at the head of the line!
Oh, okay... I won't try to pull a fast one on you here. I lied, Michael... I don't really know Krist Novoselic. He asked me for a cigarette once, that's all.
All right - you didn't actually send a fruit basket, either. I just thought it would catch your attention, have you scratching your head, and that maybe you'd ask your secretary if you actually did send out fruit baskets this year, and you'd do so before you got to the body of this letter - ah. Foolish attempt at manipulation on my part. I'm not that good a conniver, which is one excellent reason I've ruled out a career in politics.
Zing! I'm joking of course. Pokin' at ya, Buchwald-style.
Well, I'm guessing by now you can pretty much tell this isn't exactly a personal letter, Michael, seeing as how I'm fumbling comically through this very awkward prelude, and also seeing as how we, you know -- don't know each other personally. Too true, too true. Let me cut to the point.
I'd like to do what everyone else is doing this year and file a complaint with the FCC. I know, I know - not exactly an original idea, but I reasoned you have no burning desire for a Whitman's Sampler. And to be frank, I don't want to see you put on unnecessary weight.
My complaint to the FCC is about all the other people who are complaining to the FCC. The people who chased Howard Stern onto satellite radio, the people who get up in arms about a nighttime soap opera with complex moral issues, the people who think a marginally talented actress from that soap jumping naked into the arms of an NFL wide receiver is emblematic of moral decay.
You see, Michael, I find those complainers' actions obscene and offensive, because they are stupid. They are also flaunting their stupidity right in front of everybody. It would be different if they kept their stupidity behind closed doors, but when they just go on CNN and put on a public display of their stupidity, or march their stupidity in a public parade on our city streets, I feel they are stepping over the line. How stupid these people are in their private lives is of no concern to me - but to do so in front of my child? That's just unnecessary and obscene.
Yes, "in front of my child", Michael! I can say that now! You know how those morality types have always wagged their finger at me in the past and have said, "You would feel differently if you had a child! Then you would understand!" Well, abracadabra, guys - I got one now! And she agrees with me, that these religious conservative "family value" types are getting on her nerves! Well, being five weeks old she can't exactly talk yet - but I've received some awfully meaningful facial expressions from her, and I think those count for something. The children are not only our convenient excuses, but they're also our future, Mike.
Anyway - getting back to my point - sorry, tend to amble, hence all the dashes - it's not like I'm going to tell my daughter it's a great idea to waltz into the Philadelphia Eagles' locker room and fling herself into T.O.'s arms, sans bath towel. Or that I'm going to tell her to live like the Desperate Housewives. Or that I'm going to tell her taking Howard Stern at face value is a good way to build up a moral code.
What I did plan on telling her was to avoid stupidity. There are lots of people peddling stupidity to junior high school students, and I'm hopeful that I can teach her how to elude such street-level thugs in all walks of life.
Now, the thing is, I wasn't planning on using television much at all when I was searching for study tools, but inevitably the kid's going to be watching some kind of televised entertainment over the next eighteen years, and I expect we'll be able to talk about it in a non-hyperbolic way. Like they do in Sweden, you know? They treat it like it's no big deal. That kind of demystifies it, takes away the whole taboo aspect. And I think it makes the kids better equipped to rationally come to the right decisions about tricky subjects like sex, drugs, alcohol, sexual preferences, and the New York Yankees' payroll.
What I'm afraid most of your complainers are trying to do is mold people through censorship. I know, I know - they're all going to contest that they're not trying to censor anyone, they're just promoting family values, et cetera. I don't think that's the case. I think they are seeking elimination of a whole segment of artistic expression.
Look at the movie Kinsey, which I haven't seen yet, and which I understand is outside of your jurisdiction, but convenient for me to use as an analogy. C'mon - Washington types deride movies they haven't seen all the time in Washington, surely they're gonna let me defend one in the same way, right? Of course! You are a paragon of reason, Michael, thank you for understanding me.
Kinsey is rated R, which means kids under 17 can't see it without an adult. Of course, not many kids under 17 are going to be conspiring in the men's rooms about sneaking into "that Liam Neeson movie with all the hot clinical dialogue," so let's be logical about its impact on our children.
It is about the most influential sex researcher in history - certainly a flawed man, but an important figure nonetheless. Now, with the "R" rating, you'd expect that conscientious adults would figure out that it's not for all segments of society. There are a lot of adults who won't see any R-rated film whatsoever unless it's about a messiah getting the crap beaten out of him. Kinsey is for reasonable people who wish to attend "R" rated films because they are mature enough to handle that type of entertainment.
But there are people who don't want anyone to see this movie, because they feel it glamorizes Kinsey's life and subject research, and that Kinsey therefore led to the sexual revolution of the '60s, which in turn led to increased homosexuality and sexually transmitted diseases.
Let's assume they're right - what does that have to do with whether people should see the movie or not? Does Kinsey say, "After this movie, go out and fuck everything you possibly can, including footwear and yetis?" I'll bet you it doesn't, anymore than Trainspotting promoted heroin addiction as a worthy and satisfying avenue of life. It did make me a fan of Iggy Pop's "Lust For Life," and might have even led to a couple of inconvenient fantasies about Ewen MacGregor, which were inconvenient only because I'm not gay, but technically speaking are my business and my business alone.
Subtext, Michael. These people want to take away our subtext. Your pal Howard Stern is all about subtext. Has anybody ever spread an STD because Howard Stern told them to? No, because most people get the joke, the subtext. Most people get the subtext of Desperate Housewives. Most people get the joke with Janet Jackson's breast, even if that joke is only that it that it overshadowed the greatest Super Bowl ever played.
I feel like saying this is restating that which is right in front of your nose, but I'll say it anyway: Sometimes subtext defines our art; it's not a fringe benefit, but an elemental component of that art.
I mean, which has more value to you: a Picasso painting, or one of those Walter Keane jobs with the creepy bug-eyed children?
The people who are complaining to you about all this reckless abandonment of principles are clearly incapable of understanding subtext. They want all the complex moral messages of Desperate Housewives and whatever to be bluntly stated, perhaps at the outset of the broadcast, because they figure the American viewership is too stupid to get it through inference and artistic expression. They think I'm stupid, Michael. I am offended by that. Even though I sometimes like my malt liquor, I'm not stupid. I read the labels before I drink anything, unless I'm being served by hot chicks at a rave.
I noticed there are figures from your office which state that almost all complaints to the FCC were made via an action group called "The Parents' Television Council." I saw a graphic on CNN that claimed "99 percent" of all FCC complaints come from this group; your agency's own statements published the figure at 99.8%. I suspect that figure to be somewhat inflated, but if you're leveling with me - dude, doesn't that constitute overwhelming influence by a very specific special interest group? These people are just pissed off for a living, Michael. Unless you're a bounty hunter or a district attorney, I mistrust you if you are angry because it's in your job description.
I've seen the PTC's website. They wish for us to remain stupid. I'm guessing they want us to delay dealing with taboo issues with our families until their college professors finally explain it to them. These are the same people who think evolution is a foolish, ridiculous theory, whereas theories involving snakes, apples, fatal trees and the original desperate housewife makes more sense. Obviously the potential of reason with these people is not exactly sky-high.
I'm not saying let smut rule the airwaves as it has since the days of Three's Company, Michael. I'm not saying "jiggle" TV is 100% worthy. I'm just saying I'd like to complain about these people in the PTC and have them fined, because they personally offend me. My community standards deem them to be "obscene," and I would like it if you looked into it.
If you feel your commission cannot levy fines against them, then I will gladly relieve you of the burden of collecting their cash penalties. Just have them make their checks out to "Cash," mail 'em to me, and I'll deal with the paperwork. That's one thing you don't need more of, right Mike - paperwork? I love the stuff myself, but I'm kind of a pervo.
That's all, Mike. I'm kinda getting tired, Iron Chef is coming on, and there's a high-gravity 40-ounce with my initials floating on top of it. Thanks for considering my complaint.
Krist Novoselic says "hi!"
Yours truly,
Paul Shrug
P.S. Aaaah... you got me with the Novoselic reference again, didn't ya? Nothing gets past you, does it? Happy holidays, smart guy!
