Congratulations on your purchase of a raging hangover. I'm sure you're eager to explore this condition, so let's get started. If you look to your left, you may see a beautiful woman lying next to you. Oops, our mistake, it's just a puddle of something unpleasant. Oh look, some of it got in your hair. You might want to lift your head out of that.
Whoa there cowboy, you don't want to be moving your head that fast. You're going to need to take it slow for the rest of the morning. It's best to avoid bright lights and loud noises too. Thank God it's the rainy season or you'd be screwed. Alright, take a deep breath and let's start treating this thing.
Some people will tell you that the best thing for a hangover is another drink. Others stand by black coffee, cold showers or Gatorade. They're all wrong. Take it from an expert, the best thing for a hangover is lying to yourself. Try this: "Oh God, I'm never doing this to myself again." Good. Now let's try something more advanced: "I'm going to turn my life around. I'm going to stop drinking, get a job and someday have sex with a woman while she's still conscious." Very good, I bet you're feeling better already.
It's time to put your newfound sense of purpose to work. We're going to attempt something difficult, standing up. Uh oh, looks like someone forgot the need to move slowly. Now, now, there's no call for blasphemy. Just try it again. Good job! Now that you're standing, it's time to take a look around and figure out just where the hell you are. Yup, you're at home. That's because you're a loser who sits at home on a Sunday night drinking himself into oblivion.
OK, you're going to need to take something for that headache. Find the kitchen, pour yourself a big glass of water and pop a couple of vicodin. Wait, you took all the vicodin last night. No wonder you feel like shit. Take a couple of aspirin instead. Finish drinking the water and give it a few minutes to settle.
You're doing fine. The next step is to wash the vomit off. Head for the bathroom. Hang on, don't jump in the shower just yet, you're still wearing your clothes. Take them off. Now look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, I know it's unpleasant, that's why you don't have a girlfriend. Turn around. Dude, are those bite marks? Those are totally bite marks. I thought you were alone last night. No, I don't know where they came from either, but don't worry, it's doubtful anyone saw you hide the body. No, I'm not kidding, in case you haven't noticed, you're kind of a creepy weirdo. Just deny everything if the cops show up.
Right, now it's time for your shower. I think you can handle this one without me, I'll just wait outside trying not to think about what you're doing in there...
Nice. You're still sweating out the alcohol, but at least that's the only stink on you. You might want to wear matching socks though. Just a suggestion. By now the nausea should have faded to the point where you're ready for breakfast. By far the best thing for you to have would be soft boiled eggs, toast and some orange juice. Too bad you don't live with your mom anymore, isn't it? Don't even think about the bottle of orange juice in the back of your fridge. It expired months ago, along with your eggs and pretty much everything else in there. Come to think of it, you shouldn't open that fridge ever again without a hazmat suit.
I think you've got some instant coffee in the pantry, maybe a stale pop-tart or two. You're going to have to settle for that. Have a couple more aspirin and then let's get out of here, I can't take the filth. No, we're not going to clean up the mess you made in your bedroom. There's no point, you're just going to do it again tonight. Let's go get some coffee.
Mmm... that was tasty, wasn't it? I felt sorry for the nice barrista with the nasty teeth, by the way. There she was forcing a smile despite being bombarded by the aroma of alcoholic sweat and your clumsy attempts to flirt, all in the hopes of an extra dollar in tips, and then you stiffed her. You're a real asshole, you know that?
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Why don't you shut up and make another one of those Satanosphere posts that nobody but you considers funny. God, that site is an abomination. Maybe it would look better after a couple of drinks. Anyway, I've got to run. So long and thanks for choosing Jägermeister for all your hangover needs.
