JellyBath
From $18-$194
If there is a dandy on your list who's not afraid to try something new, we reccommend JellyBath. It's a "body soak" that works with the bathtub you already own (score!) to create a bath that's mission isn't to get you clean, but to relax you. See, by sprinkling their JellyBath Powder into your bath as it fills with warm water, a gel is formed. The gel is perfumed and "relaxing", and you can lie in it! If we were kids, this would be called a "SlimeBath", but since we're not, it's a JellyBath. Calgon may take you away, but JellyBath keeps you put right where you are.
Oh, and it comes with a powder that disintegrates the gel so that you may easily wash it down the drain into your local watershed, so that endangered fish downstream can also enjoy the warm, jelly luxury.
Octodog
$16.95
Kids love food. I mean, they eat it all the time! And kids who love food tend to also love hot dogs. That's why some fine people had the great idea to create a device that takes a kid's hot dog and twist it into a shape that best resembles some sort of Hentai alien tentacle genitalia. Mmm, mmm, good!
The octodog slips onto and ordinary hot dog (or veggie dog, bonus!) and you twist. It's that simple! The after effect is that the compressed mass of animal inards looks totaly inedible. Fabulous!
Subversive Cross Stitch
From $12-$75
Do you like the idea of traditional holiday gifts that are crafts, such as cross stitch, but are a total punk-rock rebel who has an "up yours!" attitude towards society? Well, us too! That's why we were exhilirated when we stumbled accross Subversive Cross Stitch. Their website features cross stitch creations suitable for framing anywhere, with uplifting slogans and phrases, such as "Go Fuck Yourself" and "Do Not Fuck With Me" and, just in time for the holidays, "Happy Fucking Hoildays".
Just imagine the joy on Grandma's face when she receives one of their deluxe kits, including everything she needs to get started on her "Pussy Got Me Dizzay" item for over the kitchen sink!
Nikki McClure 2004 Wall Calender
$16, buy olympia dot com
On a more serious note, we would like to reccommend the Nikki McClure calender. A favorite artist of the Satanosphere staff, Nikki's calender is made of twelve paper-cut scenes of the seasons, all done by hand. That's one for each month! The intricate detail won't get old over the year, however, as every one who sees the art will ask you where they can get their own. Unless, of course, they're tasteless savages from Florida.
Also: Nikki has much other stuff that also makes for great gifts. Also: Sock Monkeys and other animals!
Baby Jesus Butt-Plug
$29.95
Remember in "The Exorcist" when Linda Blair is shouting "Fuck me Jesus!"? Well you can have your exorcism of extacy (ha ha!) with the Devine Intervention silicone Baby Jesus Butt-Plug. Really. Now Jesus can really be your own personal savior! Here's hoping the company that created him, Blowfish, gets around to finishing the nativity scene. Three wise men, indeed!
Say It With Boobs e-Greeting Cards
Free
If you're on a budget, it can sometimes be hard to get something quality for everyone on your list. That's why we'd like to point you to Say It With Boobs. Enter your loved one's email address, enter a personal message, pick the pair of breasts you think is best for them, and hit send. That's it! Your friend will receive a photo of a pair of naked boobs with your holiday cheer! It's simple and free, and your friend will remember it for years, no doubt.
Imaginary Girlfriend
$51.00, sold out
Though apparently out of stock, an Imaginary Girlfriend makes a great stocking-stuffer! Many people hate the holidays because they're lonely. While everyone else is getting shit-faced on eggnog and screwing like horny reindeer, many others are left to cry into their yule-tide whiskey and wonder if it's all worth it anymore. Well, with a new girlfriend, imaginary or not, you can give them a reason to live! Why not order one for everyone on your list, naughty or nice?
USB iDuck Duck-Drive
¥2,980- ¥7,980
A 16MB USB pen drive in the shape of a cute rubber ducky. At least that's the best we can make of what they're offering. Maybe if you can read Japanese, you can do better. It's just cute, really. Maybe it comes in multiple sizes? Do they make a Hello Kitty version? We have no idea!
Pussy Snorkel
$12.95-$15.95
This is a Satanosphere old-skool favorite, one of the very first "ohmigosh" products we found after starting up. It's a pussy snorkel, and it's exactly what it sounds like. It's made for those of us who often find ourselves passing out or geting dizzy when performing downtown on the girls we love. See, you strap it onto your nose when diving for oysters, and you can breathe normally without your nose being smothered by her love. Genius! Fucking disturbing, but genius nonetheless. Buy one for all your co-workers!
We hope that we've given you some holiday food for thought. Something here is bound to be perfect for someone on your list. If it is, please share, we love to hear about it when we help people. Also, feel free to add anything you've found that isn't on this list that you think should be. We're looking for gifts, too!
