My kid's spelling is so bad from his first three years of grammar school -- because the educational powers that be didn't want to stifle his creative flow with "rules"-- it's ridiculous. Oh, he spells big words fine. From when they actually insisted on proper spelling later on. He's great at words like "inanity" and "absurdity." But he still can't spell "tool."
Cut to Nature TV. My wife is watching this program on elephants in South Africa that had been so successful in their breeding they were straining the resources of the meager land allotted to them by the South African government. Kind of an Elephant Apartheid thing. Anyhow, the government, apparently drawing from their success with the Zulu, decided that the best solution was to wipe out all the adult elephants, leaving the juveniles, who had reached the age where they'd learned to acquire food, to fend for themselves. Everything was fine for a couple of years until some of the elephants reached the equivalent of elephanteen-agehood. And hood was right. A gang of these unguided behemoths decided it would be a good idea to start killing white rhinos (in some weird example of color karma, they left the black ones alone). They also started tipping over cars and generally reeking havoc on the old elephant rez. Officials eventually determined that the gangsta elephants needed to have dominant adults around to "socialize" them better. They imported a couple of eld-ephants from a neighboring herd to kick some elephant ass (actually.. slap them with their probosci). Soon the juvenile delinq-phants were under control. A classic example of "spare the trunk and spoil the punk."
Not that I'm saying we should start taking a bullwhip to our kids. I just don't think telling them that their scribbling little artwork sucks is tantamount to child abuse. Another example: My oldest son is in high school. Nowadays high school teachers, when dispensing grades, are also allowed to post comments opposite the column that displays the A, B, C, D, or F of old. Apparently to further elucidate the nature of the particular child's academic performance. Coming as I do from a little college in Southern California that pioneered the use of extensive written evaluations to flesh out the story of a student's learning experience, these comments seem both paltry and inane. Because, of course, they've been so vetted by the psychobabblers and self-esteem-at-any-cost purveyors that they contain not an iota of probably helpful but potentially damaging criticism that might possibly bring on a quality-of-life lawsuit from some angry parent whose sole idea of parenting is to let their kids run roughshod over the whole household until they're thirty. And, worse, they bear no relation to the grade in question. Each of the comments I'm about to list has appeared next to each of the letter grades at one time or another in the assembly of my child's permanent record.
"Encourage student to complete homework regularly."
"Needs to use class study time more effectively."
"Displays a positive attitude and is enjoyable to have in class."
Interestingly, whenever they get really harsh, like the "Needs to use class study time more effectively" they usually also add the comment: "Displays a positive attitude and is enjoyable to have in class." Seriously. It's like, Screw me all you want, just kiss me first. But my absolute favorite was when I read the "Displays a positive attitude and is enjoyable to have in class" comment and the left hand column displayed an "F."
In case you're wondering. He does know how to spell the "F" word.
Maybe I should slap him with my nose.
