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Breast Milk of Horrors
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By matt, Section Advice
Posted on Sun Feb 2nd, 2003 at 01:09:28 PM PDT
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There are a few qualities that an animal must have to qualify as a mammal. They all are warm-blooded. They all have a large, four-chambered heart. They (usually) bare live offspring. And the females nurse these offspring after they are born. Man seperatezs him-and-herself from the other mammals in many ways. One such form of differentiation is that mankind has developed ways that make it possible to raise healthy offspring without excreting bodily fluids into their mouths. While some scoff at the idea and are perfectly happy with the "natural" way of feeding their children, there are often times trouble with breast feeding. For example, it can fuck up your baby for good.
(4 comments, 561 words in story) Full Story
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We Don't Need No Education
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By matt, Section Advice
Posted on Mon Nov 4th, 2002 at 04:01:18 PM PDT
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I once had a teacher dump the entire contents of my desk onto the floor in the middle of the classroom. He was a good teacher, but he and I just didn't get along well. Mostly it's because I didn't like to do my homework. Ever. But it was the worst thing I had to fear in school.
Sure, there were bullies and girls with cooties, and the prospect that I'd cross my velcro shoes the wrong way which would make me "gay", but that's the extent of it. Kids these days, however, have many more dangers, like Mary Kay. But it gets weirder and funnier, much weirder and much funnier. Update [2002-11-8 10:48:0 by matt]: For the record, the Edison schools aren't doing that bad.
(2 comments, 589 words in story) Full Story
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Zombieworld
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By matt, Section Advice
Posted on Fri Oct 18th, 2002 at 07:36:46 PM PDT
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In 1968, George A. Romero introduced us to what would be a horrifying apocalypse: the dead rising from their earthen graves to devour the brains of the living. In his film, Night of the Living Dead, a handful of people had to spend the night boarded up in an abandoned farmhouse cut off from the outside and surrounded on all sides by Zombies. They're a particular fave of many Satanospherians, and a few are even named for them.
But zombies are for many a fact of life. The idea is hardly unique. Literature is filled with references to the dead walking the Earth. In fact, one of the worlds major religions is based on the idea of a certain someone dying then coming back to life.
I want to make my own zombie, so I did a little research, and found that it would't be that hard to do.
(4 comments, 511 words in story) Full Story
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VERY URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL
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By Captain Tenille, Section Advice
Posted on Tue Sep 17th, 2002 at 04:28:50 PM PDT
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FROM: CAPTAIN TENILLE, LAGOS, NIGERIA
RE: INVESTMENT OPPROTUNITY
TO: SATANOSPHERE READER
Dear Sir or Madam:
It is my pleasure to introduce you to an amazing investement opprotunity on behalf of my colleagues. I cannot stress enough the need for CONFIDENCE AND SECRECY in our transaction. If you are interesting in helping us transfer US$29,450,000 that was overinvoiced from some Government Petroleum operations, click on the "FULL STORY" link below.
(7 comments, 373 words in story) Full Story
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Bumper Stickers To Blame For Boobtoobicide
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By Nascentury, Section Advice
Posted on Wed Jun 26th, 2002 at 03:07:13 PM PDT
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"Kill Your Television" Three simple words on a bumper sticker that speak volumes; not the "volumes" on your three universal remote controls that aren't as universal as you had hoped, but volumes as in "many different meanings." Unfortunately this multitude of meanings is the root of a recent spike in property crimes across the nation. Boobtoobicide (murder of a television) is on the rise. Bad parenting is to blame.
(2 comments, 447 words in story) Full Story
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Advice: If You Work in the Anti-Drug Field, Don't Do Drugs
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By matt, Section Advice
Posted on Mon May 20th, 2002 at 06:09:10 PM PDT
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Really, it's good advice for any job. If you work in (Profession A) don't (Crime B). Some aren't so smart. First, a school district's anti-drug instructor was caught with pot. Not just a joint mind you, but 44 fuckin' pounds of weed. Maybe, if he wanted to be useful, he should instruct the kids on how to score that kinda doobage. And in the Midwest, a Judge has been fired for his repeated Marijuana arrests. Fine by him, he wanted to retire. But the hubub starts up when inmates he sentenced to Death Row appeal, saying he was on the Wacky Tobacky when he convicted them. And I thought Death Row was all about the Chronic. Don't miss the poll!
(3 comments) Comments >>
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Attention Hippies! It's MayDay!
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By matt, Section Advice
Posted on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 12:39:56 AM PDT
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What started as a nice Pagan celebration has since mutated into an annual orgy of culture clashes, from [sic] freedom for worker's rights to free love and pot. It's a day where you can expect to get to work late due to protests, where police and other law-enforcement personel ask for extra staff and money to help combat a great growing menace in America today: Self-Righteous Rich Kid Hippies. Update [2002-5-2 19:57:18 by matt]: I attended the MayDay march locally (from a distance) and interviewed several half-naked girls for the sake of Journalism. However, I must say, I will not be writing a story about it. It was the most boring protest I'd ever seen. 400 people can all be boring.
(15 comments, 415 words in story) Full Story
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The defense I should have used: I'm not that slutty! Someone just stole my AOL account
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By matt, Section Advice
Posted on Tue Apr 9th, 2002 at 04:57:37 AM PDT
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Internet Identity Theft is on the rise in America and world wide. It's something that we're all at risk of if our password somehow gets out. Indeed, the idea of being "0wN3d" is most frightening when it can be coupled with the idea of having someone having access to your Social Security Number, which is just as easy to get ahold of. However, it's just not right to sue the people who provide the identity, even if it is AOL.
(2 comments, 188 words in story) Full Story
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